The Winking Frog Collection
Celebrities
Bill Clinton's daughter Chelsea has a new boyfriend. Her mother asks if she has had sex. Chelsea replies, "Not according to daddy!"
Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinski when he first met her?
A. I haven't come across you face before.
Monika Lewinsky went into Harrods for a new dress. She didn't have enough money, so they asked her if she'd like to put a deposit on it.
Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners and hands over a blue dress. "Can you clean this stain off please?" she asks the assistant. "Come again?" the assistant replies, "No, mustard," says Monica.
Bill Clinton goes for a walk and sees 'CLINTON IS AN IDIOT' written in the snow, in piss.
He tells his staff to find out who has done it. They come back, "Do you want the bad news, or the very bad news?"
Clinton replies, "Bad", they reply, "The piss was DNA tested, it came from Al Gore!"
What's the very bad news?" asks Clinton, "The handwriting was tested, it was by Chelsea"
What's a Scouser and Lloyd Grossman got in common?
They're both found in other people's homes.
Q. What do you call a dog with a spade up its arse
A. Dawn French
Ali G's sister went to the doctors because she was always feeling sick on a morning. She received the good news that she was 4 months pregnant. In the excitement on the way home, she crashed her car and went into a coma for 6 months. She was no longer pregnant. She shouted for the nurse to ask what happened. The nurse replied, "Don't worry you had twins, a happy little and a beautiful little girl. Your brother collected them. "oh no! not my brother, he's an idiot, what has he called them?" the nurse replied, "The little girls called Denise." "Denise that’s a nice name, what about the little boy?" The nurse replied "He's called Denephew!"
Q. Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs
A. In Iraq
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Every time I sneeze I keep seeing Cameron Diaz"
The doctor asks, "Have you taken anything for it?"
"Yes," replies the patient, "pepper!"
Q. What do you call a man standing beside two graves?
A. Max Bygraves
Q. What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?
A. Edward Woodward
Q. What's white and sticky and slides down the toilet?
A. George Michael's latest release.
When they arrested George Michael, they found chocolate round his arse. Must have been a careless whisper.
Q. What have George Michael and a Wellington boot got in common?
A. They both get sucked off in a bog
Q. What do Gary Glitter and Santa have in common?
A. They both empty their sacks before leaving a kids bedroom.
Q. What's the difference between Gary Glitter and a greyhound?
A. Greyhounds wait for the hare!
Q. What's shiny, 2 feet tall and stands on the end of a kids bed?
A. Gary Glitter's boots.
Gary Glitter's new song: "I love you love even if your two love!"
Gary Glitter has been given the job of managing the England Junior team
Apparently he's already put Seaman in the under 16's
Q. What time is it when Gary Glitter goes to bed?
A. When the big hand is on the small hand.
Q. What's pink and hangs out of a pram?
A. Gary Glitter's arse!
The pope, Bernard Manning and Gary Glitter are on a sinking ship.
Pope. "Women and children first"
Manning. "Fuck the women and children!"
Glitter. "Have we got the time?"
Michael Jackson rang up Gary Glitter and asked if he could change two fives for a ten.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?
A. So he knows when he's reached the end of a Mars Bar.
Q. What's brown and found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.
Q. What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A. Three bullets
Q. What won't be plucked this Christmas?
A. John Denvers guitar.
Q. What do Freddie Mercury and Michael Schumacher have in common?
A. They both have skid marks on their helmets.
Q. What's the last thing that went through Aryton Senna's brain?
A. The dashboard.
Q. What do you cal the three degrees when they've had an orgasm?
A. Wet Wet Wet
Q. Why has Edward Woodward got 4 D's in his name?
A. He was fed up being called Ewar Woowar
Q. What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both get Klingons off Uranus.
Q. Did you hear about Jill Dando getting an OBE?
A. One Behind the Ear.
Q What's black, white and starving?
A. Jill Dando's cat.
Q. What's the difference between Jill Dando and Shane Richie?
A. She failed the doorstep challenge.
Q. What's green and 3 feet high?
A. Jill Dando's lawn.
Q. What is Jill Dando's new job?
A. Babysitting for Ann Diamond
Q. What have Jill Dando and Jehovah's witnesses got in common?
A. They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in.
Q. What's the difference between a Dando and a Dodo?
A. One's a bird that likes exotic places and is extinct. No difference then!
Q. Why can't Jill Dando drink shorts?
A. One shot goes to her head.
Q. What's pink and fluffy and doesn't get worn anymore?
A. Jill Dando's slippers
Q. What have Jill Dando and George Best got in common?
A. They both had their careers finished in Fulham.
Q. What have David Beckham and diamond rings got in common?
A. They both come in posh boxes
Posh Spice lies on the bed panting.
Becks walks in and finds a gypsy in the cupboard. Becks says to Posh, "What's wrong?"
She says she's having a heart attack.
Becks calls 999
Brooklyn says "Daddy come look gypsy is naked!"
Becks says, "You bastard, Posh is having a heart attack and all you're doing is scaring Brooklyn "
Posh Spice and Becks were watching the 6 o'clock news.
A man was standing on the Clifton suspension bridge ready to jump.
David says to Posh, "I bet you £5,000 that he doesn't jump"
Posh says, "OK, darling"
The man jumps to his death.
Posh says "I can't take your money, I saw it on the 5 o'clock news"
David says, "So did I, but I didn't think he'd jump again!"
David Beckham wakes up feeling great, he gets out of bed, stretches and checks himself in the mirror, he looks fantastic. David goes downstairs and finds Posh cooking his breakfast, "Morning
darling", she calls, and then says, "Oh David, you look superb!" she walks over to squeeze his muscles and adds, "but you fucking stink!"
David goes off to training, and after half an hour Alex Fergusson calls him over and says, "David, you look absolutely fantastic, but I can't help but notice that you smell bloody awful!"
and sends him off to see the club doctor. David sits opposite the doctor in his surgery and says, "Doc, I don't understand, I look great, I feel wonderful, but I really stink", "Well
David", the doctor replies, "it's really quite simple, you're a cunt!"
Q. What have David Beckham and Des O'Connor got in common?
A. They're both shite singers.
Q. What have David Becham and Ferero Roche got in common?
A. They both come in posh boxes!
David Beckham goes to the hairdressers. He sits down and the barber asks him to take off his headphones.
"I'm sorry but I can't do that" replies Beckham. The barber tells him he only needs to take them off for about 10 minutes, David replies, "I can't do that, it’s a matter of life or
death!" The barber starts cutting around them, eventually they fall off, David starts gasping for breath, the barber picks up the headphones and has a listen, "Breathe in, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out, out, breathe in, breathe out!!"
A farmer goes to check his cows one cold winter's day and finds them all frozen. He panics and thinks he's ruined. An old lady comes up to him and asks what is wrong, he explains. The old lady
walks to each cow and touches them, bringing them back to life. The farmer is well chuffed and the lady disappears.
An old man was passing and asks what is going on, gets the low down, and explains that the lady must have been Thora Herd.
Q. What's the only eighteen stone person to ride a Derby winner?
A. Lester Piggot's cell mate.
Q. What's ET short for?
A. Because he's got short legs
Q. What do you call a telly Tubby with its finger up its arse?
A. Stinky Pinky
Q. Why was the Avon lady happy
A. Because Max Factor
Q. What is long and stiff and turns women on?
A. Elvis
Q. What's green and stinks?
A. Kermits knob
Q. What's made of black plastic and sails the seven seas?
A. Binbag the sailor
Q. What do you call a dog with no nose?
A. Daniel Westbrook
Superman, "I'm dying for a shag, I only take 25 seconds, do you know anyone?"
Spiderman, "Yeah, Cat Woman's always ready for it."
Superman flies to Cat Woman's house, she is on the bed, naked, with her legs spread. Superman flies over, 25 seconds later, flies away.
Cat Woman, "What was that?"
Invisible Man, "I don't know, but I've got a sore arse."
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride through a dangerous Indian reservation. They get chased and shot at with arrows. As they reach the other side, the Lone Ranger lies dying due to the 15 arrows in his
back. He looks at Tonto, expecting him to be in a similar state, but he hasn't been hit once.
"How could this be Tonto?" he asked, Tonto replies, "because I wear after shave kimosabe", "What do you mean, Tonto", asks the Lone Ranger, Tonto replies, I wear Aramis
Q. What's the difference between Delia Smith and a brisk run out-doors
A. One is a pant in the country, and the other is a …….
Q. What's the difference between the magician David Copperfield and the Spice Girls?
A. One has a cunning array of stunts, and the other has a stunning array of ……
Q. What's green and smells of pork?
A. Kermit's willy after a night with Miss Piggy
Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court. Minnie's divorce lawyer stands up and says, "You can't divorce Minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth." Micky stands up and says, "I didn't say she had buck teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Q. How did Rod Hull Die?
A. After a night out on the tiles.
Q. What do the England cricket team and Paula Yates have in common?
A. They've both been fucked by the Aussies, but Paula brought the ashes home.
Q. What do you call a dog with five pricks?
A. Lulu and Take That
Q. What do vegetarian maggots eat?
A. Linda McCartney
Q. What do you call a dog with wings?
A. Linda McCartney
Q. Why was La-la jealous?
A. Because Po got to play with Dipsie's Tinky-Winky
Q. What's 75 years old and smell of Ginger?
A. Fred Astairs dick.
Peter Sutcliff picks up a girl in his car. Straight away he puts his hand up her skirt and touches her fanny. She says, "You can cut that out now!" "That'll come later", he says.
Q. What do you get if you cross George Fornby with Eddie Murphy?
A. Turned out nice again Mother Fucker!
Q. What do you call three dogs and a black bird?
A. The Spice Girls