The Winking Frog Collection

Miscellaneous

Two drunks are on their way to the cup final on a train. The train stopped, "Is this Wembley?" says one, "No it's Thursday", came the reply, "So am I", said the first, "Let's go get a drink".

A man tried to get over the wall at Crystal Palace. A policeman grabbed him and said, "Get back in and suffer like everyone else!"

Crystal Palaces trophy room got burgled last night. The police are looking for a man with a red and navy blue carpet.

Crystal Palace were playing Cardiff City. At half time the Cardiff captain asked the ref if they could have another ball, "Why?" said the ref. the captain replied, "because Palace are playing with that one."

Wonderbra are going to be the new sponsors of Crystal Palace, because they need all the support they can get.

Ruud Gullit (Chelsea player manager) Was caught speeding, He was very pleased when he got three points!!!

A Man Utd fan dies after a game wearing his shirt. He meets John the Baptist at heavens gate wearing his Man City shirt.
John, "Sorry mate, no Man Utd fans in heaven, you can't come in."
Fan, "But I've been good"
John, "OK what have you done?"
Fan, "I gave £10 to the orphans fund, £10 to the RSPCA and £10 to Cancer Research
John, "Hold on then, I'll go and have a word with god."
5 minutes later:
John, "Here you are, here's your £30 back, now FUCK OFF!"

A man finds a strange looking bottle and when he picks it up a genie appears saying, "I grant you three wishes", the bloke is ecstatic, "but there's a catch, for each wish" explains the genie, "whatever I grant you, every Manchester United fan will get two of." "Sod it, " says the man, "I wish for a Ferrari" and one appears in front of him. Every Man. Utd. Fan now has two Ferraris. Next he wishes for £1,000,000 and every Man. Utd. fan gets £2,000,000. "And your next and final wish?" asks the genie. "Well I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

Aresene Venger is removing all the grass from the pitch at Highbury and replacing it with paper, apparently they look good on it!

Alex Ferguson is concerned with the intelligence of his players. He goes to Jaap Stam and asks, "Who is your fathers son, Jaap?" Jaap replies "I am boss"
Then he asks David Beckham the same question, David says he'll ring him later when he's thought about it. Worried, Beckham goes home and rings Jaap to ask him. Relieved, he then calls Alex and says, "I know the answer, it's Jaap Stam!"

A nun went to see the mother superior and said, "Mother, I've been raped, please can you help me?
Mother replied, "Go to the kitchen and suck on half an lemon."
Nun replies, "Will that help me?"
Mother - "No but it will take that smile off your face

Three nuns in a car are driving along when Dracula leaps onto their bonnet, ready to bite. The Mother Superior shouted to the novice, "Quick show him your cross", so the novice wound down the window and yelled, "Get off my fucking car, shithead!"

Two nuns sitting on a park bench, a guy comes up and flashes. The first nun has a stroke, the second couldn't reach.

A nun goes into the dormitory, "Candle out girls!" "Shluurp"

A blind vicar passed a fish shop, he said, "Good morning ladies!"

Tommy goes to confession, "Bless me father for I have sinned" he says, "I've been with a loose woman" "is that you, Tommy?" asks the priest. "Yes father". "Who were you with Tommy?" "Oh father, I can't tell you!". "Elizabeth Morgan?" "No father", "Ann Brown?" "No father", "Ann Smith?" "No father", "I admire your gallantry" says the priest, "but you must atone for your sins and say four 'Our Fathers' and five 'hail Mary's'." Outside Tommy's mate asks him how he got on. Tommy replies "four 'Our Fathers' and five 'hail Mary's' and 3 good leads!"

The cobbler asks the rabbi what he does with the leftovers after a circumcision? "Nothing" replies the rabbi, "Can I buy them?" asks the cobbler, "Yes, for £5" replies the rabbi, the cobbler sews them together to make a nice purse. The rabbi wants to buy it and asks how much, "£50 replies the cobbler" The rabbi can't believe it, "I only charged you £5" "Yes but this is special, if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase!"

A man has a nagging wife. They are driving along in Gran Canaria when she falls out of the car without the man noticing. A policeman stops him half a mile down the road and points this out! The man replies with relief, "Thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Old man, "I wish I knew where I'm going to die."
His mate says, "Why do you want to know that?"
Old man, "Well I wouldn't go there!!"

Two condoms walking past a gay bar, one asks the other, "Do you want to go in and get shitfaced?"

A man buys a dodgey Rolex in Gran Canaria. When he gets home he switches the TV on. The watch says 9.30 but the TV says 10.30. He says "who the fuck has been messing with the telly"

Two brains walk into a bar, the barman says, "I'm not serving you two", "Why?" asks one brain, "Because you're out of your heads!"

A little boy asks his dad, "Where did I get my intelligence from?" "Must have been your mother, son," he replies, "I've still got mine!"

What's the benefit of having a £50 note tattooed to your dick?

1. You can play with your money
2. You can watch your money grow
3. Your girl can blow as much money as she wants

A man gets a job in an undertakers, but he says he's never seen a dead body before. His boss says, "That’s OK I'll take you around and show you some."
The first body is a man with a smile on his face. The boss says, "He got 6 numbers on the lottery and had a heart attack, that’s why he has a smile on his face!"
The second body is also a man with a smile on his face. The boss says, "He was on his honeymoon on the job and had a stroke, that’s why he has a smile on his face!"
The third body is also a man with a smile on his face. The boss says, "This is Paddy, he was struck by lightning," The apprentice interrupts, "Why is he smiling?" The boss replied, "He thought he was getting his photo taken"

A man walking a tightrope and a man having a blow job from an 88 year old woman, what are they both thinking?
Don't look down!

A man meets a woman in a pub.
Man: "What's your job"
Woman: "I'm a sex analyst"
Man: "Tell me more"

A woman wants breast implants. Her husband says, "I'm not going to pay £3000 for implants. you should rub toilet paper between them". She asks "why?" He says "because it worked on your arse!"

Flannigan, a long distance lorry driver drove to a small village in Cornwall, where he bought a lottery ticket. On checking that evening, he found that he'd won £6 million. He phoned his wife and told her the news and asked her to pack.
She said, "Shall I pack cold weather or warm weather clothes?"
He replied, "I don't give a fuck, just make sure you've gone when I get home!"

Best pick up line….
You say, "Can I smell your pussy?"
She says, "No way!!"
You say, "It must be your feet then"

A man sends his wife out on the game. When she comes back with £75.50p he says, "What tight skinflint gave you 50p?" she says, "All of them!"

Two gays fell out and as one was leaving, he farted. The other one said, "Don't throw me a kiss now!"

Man comes home from work and his wife says, "You'd better have a word with our Tommy, he said he had sex with teacher today."
Dad goes upstairs and says to Tommy, "I hear you had sex with teacher today, will you be doing it again?
Tommy replies, "Yes dad, as soon as my bums alright!!"

A couple making love in a car, going at it hammer and tongs.
She says to him, "Hurt me, hurt me!"
So he did. He trapped her tit in the car door

A hard man is good to find!

Two paedophiles sunbathing in Maspalomas. One goes to the other, "Will you get out of my son!"

A teacher was taking her class of 10 year olds and told them she wanted them to make a sentence with the word contagious in it.
A snotty little boy puts his hand up, shouting "Miss".
"Yes, Tommy", she said.
"My dad went up to the next door neighbour and told him the right way to paint his fence. Two days later the neighbour was still painting the fence and my dad said it's taking that contagious.

Granddad got into bed with his grandson to comfort him. Midway through the night Granddad said, "Go and get your Grandma, I've got my first hard-on for 25 years!"
Grandson replied, "I'll have to stay here, it's mine!"

"Unfortunately the wife and I had words. I didn't get to use mine!"

I've been a muff diver for many a year,
I've spent all my money on muff diving gear,
The goggles, the snorkel, the muff diving tank,
If I'm not muff diving, I'm having a wank

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Wilma
Wilma who?
Wilma finger do till I get my trousers down?

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim,
I used to sit upon the bed and stick my finger in.
Now I am a woman,
and full of worldly charm.
I can get four fingers in,
and half my fucking arm.

In a school class of 5 year olds.
Bill says to Ben, "I've found a condom behind the radiator."
Ben replies, "What's a radiator

The police arrested two down and outs, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating a firework. They charged one and let off the other

Two women talking together, one says to the other, "Does your cunt sweat after sex?" the other says, "No he usually turns over and goes to sleep."

Three homosexuals had just lost their lovers and they each ask each other what they did with after they died.
One said he had him cremated, and scattered his ashes on the sea, so that every time he seas the waves he can think of him.
The second said he also had him cremated, and scattered his ashes over horse fences because he loved the races.
The last one didn't tell anyone. He cut up the body and made a vindaloo with him, when asked why, he replied, "because I just wanted to feel him slide through my arse one more time".

A tramp walks into a DIY shop and asks for a bottle of meths.
Shopkeeper, "Get lost, you'll drink it, you're an alcoholic."
Tramp, "Go on, I swear I won't"
Shopkeeper, "No piss off, you'll drink it"
Tramp, " No, I swear I won't"
Shopkeeper, "Go on then" (he hands him the bottle of meths)
Tramp, "Sorry, can I have one out of the fridge"

I was driving along and the mobile rang,. The boss said I'd been promoted. I drive a mile further and the phone rang again, the managing director said I've been promoted to the bosses job. Another mile and the phone rang again, it was the chairman, he said I'd been promoted to managing director. Just then I crashed into a tree. When the police arrived they asked what happened, I said I just careered of the road.

A gay bloke goes to the tattooist and decides to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on his arse cheek. He likes it so much he decides to get a tattoo of Frank Bruno on his other arse cheek. He goes home and shows his boyfriend, who says, "If you think I'm getting in the ring between those two you can think again!"

A man was walking along the beach one evening, and he saw a woman with no arms and no legs, and she was crying. He walked over and asked what was wrong. She replied, "I'm 21 years old, I've got no arms or legs and I've never been kissed".
Feeling sorry for her he bent down and kissed her.
Later on he saw her crying again. He asked her what was wrong, and she replied, "I'm 21 years old, I've got no arms or legs and I've never been fucked."
So he picks her up and throws her into the sea, saying, "You're fucked now lady!"

Two astronauts leave a pub on Mars, one says to the other, "I'm not going there again, there's no atmosphere."

The wife said give me 12 inches and hurt me, so I fucked her twice and broke her nose

Two pieces of puke were walking down the road, one says to the other, "This is where I was brought up."

A bloke went into the barbers for a haircut, when the barber finished, he said, "Would you like anything on it, sir?" the bloke says, "Yeah, a pair of knickers, you've cut it like a cunt!"

Bloke sitting on a bed doing a crossword, asks out loud, "How do you spell paedophile?" voice replies, "I don't know, I'm only 8."

"Mummy Mummy can I lick out the basin?" "No pull the chain like everyone else!"

A sausage walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a pint of beer?" the landlord says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A bloke with two left feet is going on holiday, he bough a pair of flip-flips

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought himself a warehouse.

A blonde and a brunette in a lift, a man with bad dandruff gets in.
Brunette, "We should give him head and shoulders."
Blonde, "How do you do shoulders?"

An old couple are on the beach. The old girl said, "What do you think of my flip-flops?" The old boy replies, "Act your age and put your bikini top back on"

"Mummy, mummy, why am I always running round in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"Mummy Mummy, Grandma's gone out", "Well throw some more petrol on her then!"

Three men in a bar discussing who designed man.
1st man, "It must be a computer scientist, because of the brain."
2nd man, "It must be an engineer, because of all the joints."
3rd man, "It must be an architect, who else would put a leisure centre next to the sewage outlet.

Three generations of prostitutes were chatting over coffee one morning.
Mother, "How much do you charge for a blow job these days?"
Daughter, "£10"
Mother, "That's disgusting, in my day we only charged £5"
Granny, "In my day we were just glad of a warm drink"

Two men in a car park, leant against their car with their trousers round their ankles. One man is blowing up the other one's bum. A policeman comes along and asks what they are doing. The man replies, "I'm giving him the kiss of life", he replied, "Well sir, don't you think you are at the wrong end?" "No officer, have you smelt his breath?" he replied.

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a small loaf of bread, a small tin of beans and a small carton of milk. When he goes to the checkout the cashier asks, "Do you live on your own?", he replies, "How do you know that?" She says, "Because you're an ugly bastard!"

A worker was pasting up a new poster for the forthcoming film at the cinema. A passing lady said "Ooh look KING KONG is coming". "No" said the worker, "It's just a drop of paste off my brush, love."

Bloke walks up to a girl and says, "Excuse me, can I smell your fanny?" she replies, "no you bloody can't!", he says, "Well it must be your feet then!"

Three men camping out in a tent one night. The next morning they woke up and the man on the right said, "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt that someone was pulling my willy." The man on the left said, "That is strange, I also dreamt that someone was pulling my willy". The man in the middle said, "Well I dreamt that I was downhill skiing".

Bill and Ben the Flowerpot men

Bill had just made love to Ben for and hour. "Blib blob blib blib blob blob blib blib blob blib blib blob blob blib," says Ben, Bill replies, "If you loved me you'd swallow it!"

A man arrives home from work to find his wife lying on the sofa without any knickers on. When he asks her why, she tells him she hasn't any knickers too wear, so he gives her £20 and tells her to go and buy some the next day. She tells her friend about it and the friend decides to try the same thing.
When the friend's husband arrives home from work he finds her laying on their sofa with no knickers on he chucks a 50p piece to her and says, "go get yourself a comb love, your hair's a mess.

A little boy says to a little girl, "I'd like to get into your knickers", "Why?", asks the little girl, "Well", replies the boy, "I've just shit in mine".

A man goes to the tattooist and asked for a tattoo of a butterfly on each cheek of his bum. The tattooist said that he couldn't do butterflies, but he could do bees. The man thought about it for a while and then agreed. When they were complete he rushed home to show his wife who said, "Very nice dear, who's Bob?"

A God called Thor
Rode out to war
Upon his favourite filly
"I'm Thor", he cried
The horse replied
Well use you thaddle!, thilly!

Two gay cowboys, one said, "Yup", the other one said, "Yep".

A teacher asks her class a question, "There are three crows sitting on a wall, the farmer shoots one", she says, "how many are left?" A little boy puts his hand up and says, "None, because the noise scared the other 2 off". "No" replies the teacher, "the answer is 2 but I know what you're thinking".
Ten minutes later the little boy puts his hand up again and asks, "Three women walking down the street and each of them has a lollypop, one is licking hers, one is sucking hers and the other is biting hers. Which one is the married woman?" "The one sucking" guesses the teacher. "No", replies the little boy, "It's the one with the wedding ring, but I know what you're thinking"

A woman leaves her husband and moves back in with her parents. She tells her father that she's had enough of men and she has replaced her husband with a vibrator. A few nights later her father gets up to go to the loo and hears a buzzing noise coming from his daughters bedroom. He opens the door and she says, "dad, I'm in bed with the vibrator", so he goes back to his room. Two nights after that, the daughter gets up to get a drink and hears a buzzing sound coming from her fathers room, so she opens the door and finds him in bed with the vibrator and a glass of scotch. "What are you doing!", screams the daughter, "Oh, hello love", replies her dad, "I'm just having a drink with the son-in-law!"

A woman goes into a bar and seductively approaches the barman, "Is the manager here?" she asks, "No", replies the barman, can I help?", she sexually caresses his beard, and the barman clearly becomes aroused, "Yes", she replies, the barman leans lustily across the bar and she slips two fingers into his mouth suggestively, "You can tell him there's no loo roll in the ladies!"

At a check in desk at the airport:
Customer. "Can you send this case to Spain, this bag to Turkey, and this one to Malta?"
Attendant. "Sorry sir, we don't do that."
Customer. "Well you did last year!"

Virginity is like a balloon, one little prick and it's all gone

A little girl walking through the woods saw a man sitting with his head between his legs.
Girl. "Are you a goblin?"
Man. "No I've just got a headache".

Zippy and Bungle,
Went to the jungle,
To have a bit of fun.
Zippy got silly,
Pulled out his willy,
And shoved it up Bungles bum!

A man walks into the ladies toilet and a woman says to the man, "This is for women!" so the man gets his dick out and says, "So is this!"

There's a new medical drama started on TV in Cornwall, its called Ooooh Arrrr

I walked into an ice cream parlour and the woman said "Knicker bocker glory?"
"Well I do have a certain amount of freedom in these shorts.

A man asked a prostitute for sex, she asked whether he wanted wet sex at £25 or dry sex at £20. He decided wet sex. She went out for two minutes came back, and he had the best sex ever. He asked how she got so wet, she said it took 2 minutes to pick the scabs.

A woman was walking in the park with her son, and saw two dogs shagging.
Boy. "Mummy what are those dogs doing?"
Mum. "Having fish and chips"
Later on the boy hears noises coming from his parent room, he walks in.
Boy. "What are you doing?"
Mum. "Nothing Son."
Boy. "I know you're having fish and chips"
Mum. "How do you know?"
Boy. "You’ve got batter running down your legs"

A girl goes to the club bar and asks for two whiskeys, she drinks one and throws one down her knickers. She continues to do this all night. When last orders are called she does the same. The barman asks her why? She replies, "I won the lottery last week, and that’s the only cunt that’s getting a drink out of me".

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a bag of nails into the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

The Irish invented the toilet seat first, and the British put a hole in it.

The beer in here has female hormones in it. After 10 pints you talk like a cunt and you can't drive.

Pinocchio sat at the dinner table with his dad.
Pinocchio. "Dad, I'm having trouble with women"
Dad. "What do you mean?"
Pinocchio, "Every time I have sex, women always complain about splinters"
Dad. "Why don't you give your cock a rub down with some sandpaper?
Pinocchio. "Thanks, I'll do that"
A few days later
Dad. "How are you getting on with girls, now that you've got the sandpaper?"
Pinocchio. "Girls, who needs girls when you've got sandpaper"

A young boy talking to his mum.
Boy. "Mum, do maids come apart?"
Mum. "No, son"
Boy. "Well I just heard dad tell the next door neighbour that he was going to screw the arse off the new maid".

An ancient tampon was found in the caves today. The archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

Two ladies chatting in the hairdressers.
Lady 1. "Mrs Jones has a new nickname for her other half"
Lady 2. "Oh, what is it?"
Lady 1. "Thrush."
Lady 2. "Why?"
Lady 1. "She says its because he's an irritating cunt!"

Little Johnny is doing a spelling test. After finishing he asks his dad, "What is the difference between potential and reality?" His dad scratches his head and says, "go ask your mum if she would sleep with Paul Newman for a million pounds, and then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds." So off he goes and asks his mum, she says, "Don't tell your dad but yes I would!" Then he asks his sister, she says, "Of course I would!" Johnny goes back to his dad and says, "Both mum and sister say that they would sleep with them for a million pounds". Dad scratches his head and says, "Well Johnny, potentially we are sitting on 2 million pounds but in reality we are living with a couple of slags!"

A girl and some friends were going to the cinema, the girl had to go and ask her dad if she could go. He replied, "You can go to the cinema if you suck my dick," the girl said , "No way!" but after a while she thought about it and decided she wanted to go, so she went back in and sucked his dick. After she had finished she turned to her dad and said, "Your dick tastes of shit!" He replied, "I know, your brother wanted to go out as well".

There are four types of lovemaking.
The Positive - oh yes, oh yes, oh yes
The Negative - oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
The Holy - oh god, oh god, oh god
The Faked - oh Trigger, oh Trigger, oh Trigger

A woman bought a mirror at a car boot sale. She mounted it on the wall, then she said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my bust a forty four. There was a flash of light and her bust was a forty four.
Her husband came home, saw the transformation and asked how she'd done it. She told him, so he went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my dick touch the floor!" There was a flash of light and his legs fell off.

A very rich man asked his children what they wanted for Christmas.
His first son wanted a train set, so he bought him London Underground.
His daughter asked for a dolls house, so he bought Buckingham Palace.
His second son wanted a cowboy outfit, so he bought him Wimbledon Football Club

Two oranges go into a bar, one looks at the other and says, "Your round"

You can get lemon flavoured condoms now, you come in a jiffy.

Teacher is in classroom, it's the end of the term and she wants to go home early.
Teacher. "Right children, I'm going to ask you a question and if you get it right I'll let you go home early. Right Johnny, what did you do at playtime?"
Johnny. "I played in the sand pit"
Teacher. "OK, if you can spell 'pit' I'll let you go home early"
Johnny. "P I T"
Teacher. "OK, off you go. Now Ralph, what did you do?"
Ralph. " I played in the sand pit with Johnny"
Teacher. "OK, if you can spell 'sand' I'll let you go home early"
Ralph. "S A N D"
Teacher. "OK, off you go. Right Winston (The little black boy), what did you do?"
Winston. "Well I wanted to play in the sandpit with Ralph and Johnny but they wouldn't let me.
Teacher. "Well that's race discrimination, if you can spell discrimination I'll let you go home early.

Adam is alone in the Garden of Eden talking to God, "I'm really lonely, I need a companion" god says, "I've got just the thing, a woman, she's gorgeously shaped, intelligent and witty. She'll do anything you want in bed and she'll cook, clean and tend to your every need." "Sounds great, what's the catch?" "She'll cost you an arm and a leg" says god, "Blimey that's steep, what'll I get for a rib?"

A man went into a restaurant and asked for a hotdog and a hamburger. The waitress went to the fridge, took out a hamburger and put it under her arm. "What are you doing?" asked the man. "This is the quickest way to defrost it!" said the waitress. "In that case you can cancel the hotdog!" said the man.

The old man walks into the whorehouse and says to the madam, "I want to get me laid, I hear tell you lots of pretty ladies here."
The madam eyes the old man suspiciously and asks him, "Just how old are you pop?" "Ninety two." "Ninety two?" the madam explains, "Hell pop - you've already had it!"
"Well then," the old man asks, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, "how much do I owe you?"

Did you hear about the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

Quasimodo was found at the bottom of Notre dame cathedral. The police were called and asked Esmirelda what happened, she replied, "I don't know, he just asked me to toss him off!"

A young couple on their wedding night couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they had to stay at her mother's house. After supper her mother told them to go up to bed because she would clear up. The husband gets undressed, the bride notices he has no toes on one foot so she rushes downstairs and says to her mother, "Mother, he's got a foot and a half!" mother replies, "You do the dishes dear, this is a job for your mother."

A bloke goes into a chemist and asks, "A packet of three condoms please, miss," she replies, "Don't you miss me!" he says, "Well in that case I'll have four then!"

An old couple from a home go out on their first date. Things get a little steamy and they decide to go to bed together. The old woman warns, "Mind, I've got acute angina." The old man replies, "That'll make up for your saggy tits!"

A man went into a bar with a steering wheel in his fly. The barman said, "Did you know you've got a steering wheel hanging out of your flies?" He replied, "Yes, and its driving me nuts!"

Two giants were so tall that their heads were in the clouds. One said to the other, "Where are we?" He replied, "Italy, because I can feel the tower of Pisa." A little further on he asked the same question, the other giant replied, "France, because I can feel the Eiffel Tower." After they had walked for a while one giant said, "I know where we are now, we're in Liverpool," "How do you know that?" asked the other, He replied, "I've just had my watch nicked!"

Two murderers are let out of prison on parole.
Parole Officer. "In two months you will come back before me, if you haven't done anything for the local community you will go back to prison".
Two months later.
Parole Officer. "What have you done for the community?
1st Murderer. "I have persuaded two drug users to stop taking drugs"
Parole Officer. "How did you do that?"
1st Murderer. "I drew a picture

Parole Officer. "Well done. What about you?
2nd Murderer. " I persuaded five drug users to stop taking drugs"
Parole Officer. "How did you do that?"
2nd Murderer. "I drew a picture
Parole Officer. "The same as your friend?
2nd Murderer. "No, I drew…

There was a young man from Cosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
His mother said "Jack
If you don't put them back
I'll stamp on the sods and squash 'em!"

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who went for a wank in the gutter
A woman walked by
got spunk in her eye
And thought it was Anchor's best butter

British Airways have grounded all of its planes. It found a 2 inch crack in all its stewardesses.

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner and one says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz", "No," says the second, "but I've been swung round by the tits a few times."

A man runs into a bar and asks, "Can I have a whiskey, a gin, a vodka and peppermints please?" the barman asks, "Are you celebrating something", "yes my first blow job!" replies the man. "Congratulations, " says the barman, "When I had my first blow job I celebrated with champagne," the man says "thanks for the advice, if this gets rid of the taste I might try some!"

Two women in a laundrette
1st woman. "I had sex in the kitchen this morning"
2nd woman. "Why?
1st woman. "I had to time an egg, needless to say, I like it runny.

Do women prefer flowers on the piano or tulips on the organ?

A man in a pub is discussing his marital problems with the barman, and mentions that he and his wife don't have sex anymore. "I've got a parrot out the back that gives excellent blow jobs" says the barman, and the customer goes to see it. After a while he returns to the bar and asks the barman if he can buy the parrot for £30. The barman agrees and the man takes the parrot home. His wife takes one look at it and says to her husband, "What the hell do you expect me to do with that?" "Teach it to cook, then fuck off" he replies

A newly married couple decided that sex was a vulgar word for making love and decided they'd rename it 'washing machine'. One night the husband was feeling frisky so he whispered in his wife's ear, "washing machine", "Certainly not" she replied. After a while she decided she might have been a bit harsh on her new husband, so she rolled over and whispered, "washing machine", in his ear. He replied with, "You've got no chance love, it was only a small load and I've done it by hand now!"

Two queers, Harry and Barry, decide to go to the fair. Barry wants to go on the big wheel but Harry refuses saying it's to high, so Barry goes on alone, saying, "Don't forget to give me a wave, Harry" The wheel starts turning, but after a few minutes a bolt comes loose and the whole thing crashes to the ground. Barry is lying in a pool of blood surrounded by twisted metal, and harry runs over shouting, "Barry, Barry, are you hurt?" "Of course I'm hurt, I went round three times and you didn't wave to me once!"

A woman asked her husband for the money for a boob job. He told her to rub her tits with toilet paper, as that had done wonders for her arse!

A boy and a girl are driving through the countryside on evening and suddenly the car stops. "Oh Dear" days the boy sarcastically, "we've run out of petrol, I'm just going for a pee behind the car" Fearing that this is a plan
To get her in the back seat, the girl gets out and walks round to the petrol cap, she smells it to see if there's any petrol, but she can't smell anything so she lights a match to have a look. BANG!! They're both blown into the bushes, "Oh No!" she screams, "You'd better find my handbag, its got my purse in it", "Fuck your purse!" shouts the boy, "You'd better find my hand, its got my prick in it!"

Two cannibals eating a clown, and one says to the other, "Do you think this meat tastes funny."

A young boy uses bad language, and his granddad says, "Stop swearing lad, and I'll show you the German bayonet I got in the last war." The boy behaves himself and is shown the bayonet. "That's much better, " says granddad, "keep it up and I'll show you the SS coat I've got as well". "Where do you keep the coat granddad" asks the boy, "around the tank in the loft, lad" his granddad replied. "You haven't got a fucking tank as well, have you?"

A party of blind people are in a pub and they ask the landlord if they can play football in the carpark. "how will you see the ball?" he asks one of the party, "It's OK, the ball has a bell in it, that’s how we know where the ball is!" "OK says the landlord, "but mind the cars", half an hour later a man runs into the pub shouting. The landlord calms him down and asks what the problem is, "There's a load of blind people on the village green kicking shit out of the Morris Dancers!"

Three women are on a plane, and the pilot announces that they are going to crash. One woman start doing her make up, and says they'll rescue me first, because I look beautiful." another woman takes her jewellery out of her bag and starts putting it on, saying, "They'll rescue me first because I look rich". The last woman (a black lady) just takes off her knickers and sits back down, "They'll rescue me first, you both know they always find the black box first.

A man starts a new job in a mortuary and at lunchtime the foreman leaves him on his own for half an hour. When he returns he finds his new assistant crying, so he asks him what's wrong. The man says, "A beautiful blonde woman was brought in while you were out, and she was gorgeous. She had great tits and a lovely furry letterbox with a prawn sticking out of it." The foreman says, "That wasn't a prawn, that’s her clitoris!, "Oh!, replied the man, "well it tasted like a prawn!"

There was once a man in China
Who thought he was a good rock climber
He slipped on a rock
And knocked off his cock
And now he has a vagina!

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now its only six foot four!

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and frilly
She used to throw it in the air
And catch it by the willy

A bloke walks into a chip shop and says to the assistant, "I'll have a fucking portion of chips and mushy peas, and hurry up you fucking tosser!" The shop assistant is furious and says to the customer, "How dare you talk to me like that, you stand behind the counter and I'll pretend to be a customer and show you how you should ask nicely." So they swap places and the assistant walks to the counter and says, "Good evening sir, may I please have a portion of chip and some of your delicious mushy peas?" The bloke behind the counter says, "You can fuck right off,, you wouldn't serve me!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street, on was assaulted.

A couple meet, and after a whirlwind courtship decide to get married. On their wedding night, the bride goes up to bed to wait for her new husband, who doesn't know she has a false leg. He gets into bed, kisses her and has a feel around, but he can only find one leg. "Where's the other leg?" he asks, "on the dressing table" she replies", "You silly cow, you don't need to open them that wide!"

A girl went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

Three bloke were discussing women's fannies.
One said, "I think an artist invented it, all those lovely shades of pink".
The second one said, "I reckon it was a sculptor, all those curves and contours"
"No, no" The last one said, "it must have been the council, who else would put a leisure centre next to a shit house?"

A couple who have been married for thirty years decide to go back to the place where they first shagged for a 'repeat performance'. Afterwards the husband says, "Darling, you didn't quiver and shake like that 30 years ago". She replies, "30 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

The man who sang the 'Hokey Kokey' died the other day, they had trouble getting him in the coffin, because every time they put his left leg in he put his right leg out!

A boy was showing his friend his new watch and his friend asked, "How did you get that?" he replied, "I walked into my mum and dads bedroom and they were having sex, my dad said that if I went back to my room, he'd buy me a new watch. Why don't you try it with your parents?" So the boy walked into his mum and dads bedroom while they were busy shagging, and announced that he "wanted a watch", "Well stand in the corner and be quiet" said his dad.

Did you hear about the queer cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?

Father Christmas goes off out into the snow to deliver the children's presents. He goes down the first chimney, there's a lady in a negligee on the sofa, she says, "Please, will you stay?" he replies, "Ho, ho, ho, I must go to take the presents through the snow!" At the second house there's a lady in bra and pants on the sofa, she asks for the same" Santa replies, "Ho, ho, ho, I must go to take the presents through the snow!" At the third house there's a lady stark naked on the sofa, she says, Father Christmas, will you stay?" he replies, "I suppose I'll fucking have to, I'll never get up the chimney with my dick like this!"

Knock, knock,
"Who's there?"
"Avon, your bells broke!"

An apprentice mechanic asks his boss what he's buying his wife for Christmas. The boss replies, "A diamond ring and a brand new car"
"Why?" Asks the apprentice
"Well if she doesn’t like the diamond ring she can drive round in a shiny new car"
Apprentice says, "Good idea, I'll by my girlfriend a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"Why?" Asks the Boss,
"Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"

If black boxes are never damaged, why aren’t aeroplanes made of the same stuff?

Sharon: "Tracy why have you got a tampon stuck behind your ear?"
Tracy: "Shit, where the fuck is my fag?"

Mother dear,
I fucked a queer,
Now I've got
Gonorrhoea.

A girl took a boy back to her place for a bit of 'rumpy-pumpy'. To decide whether he was a giver or a taker she put two chocolates inside her, if the guy went down on her he was a giver, and the chocolates would be a surprise. But if he went straight for a bit of 'how's your father', that would make him a taker and he'd end up with a brown tadger and would think he got the wrong hole. She would then go down on him and he'd think she was into licking shit

Bill and Ben were in the bath and Bill goes, "Flobalobalob", Ben says, "if that stinks you're dead!"

Three brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry. All had large feet, Tom size 12, Harry size 13 and Dick size 14. One night they were drinking in a bar and Dick went to the toilet. Tom and Harry got chatting to two girls, one of the girls said, "My, haven't you got big feet" to which Harry replied, "You should our Dick's!"

A little old man's wife died, he went to the newspaper office to put an obituary in the paper. The assistant told him it was £5 per word, he only had £10 so he was going to put 'Nelly's dead'. The girl took pity on him and told him he could have three words for free, so he put in 'Nelly's dead, Mini for sale!"

A judge got pissed on evening, and was sick down the front of his dinner jacket. He told his wife a man had done it, but he was up in front of him tomorrow and he would give him 3 months. She rang him at work the next day and told him to give the man 6 months because the man had also kacked in his pants.

A man driving home from the pub was pulled over by the police.
Copper: "Excuse me sir, did you know you were doing 40mph."
Driver: "I beg your pardon constable, I was doing 30mph."
Copper: "I'm sorry sir, you were doing 40mph."
At that the man was about to go mad at the copper, when his wife said, "Excuse me officer, you're wasting your time arguing with him when he's drunk!"

A man buys Olympic condoms and says to his wife, "I will use the gold tonight," she says, "why not use silver, and come second for once!"

Blindman: "Penny for the blind!"
Passerby: "How do I know your blind?"
Blindman: "See that tree over there?"
Passerby: "Yes"
Blindman: "Well I can't!"

A gypsy was talking to his pal, he said, "If I could win the lottery I would send my son to school." Next week he wins £7 million. He enrols his son in the most expensive school. After the first day his son comes home and says, "Dad, I was the only one who could count to five, is that because I'm a gypsy?" He replies, "Yes son." The second day he comes home, "Dad, I was the only one who knew a, b, c, d, is that because I am a gypsy/" He replies, "Yes son." The third day he had training and a shower after, he said, "Dad, my willy was a lot bigger than all the other boys, is that because I'm a gypsy?" Dad replies, "No son, that's because you are 27 !!!"

Knock, knock,
who's there?'
Ivont.
Ivont who?
I vont a tinkle

Knock, knock,
who's there?'
Ivor,
Ivor who?
I've a big one.

A pregnant woman walks into her bank to deposit some money, suddenly three armed robbers burst in and demand cash. The guard draws his gun a fire fight ensues. The woman gets hit three times and is rushed to hospital. She makes a full recovery, even though the bullets remain lodged, to dangerous to dig out.
Six years later, her daughter comes running from the toilet and says, "Mummy, I've just been to the toilet and as I was peeing a bullet came out." Her mother says not to worry, and tells her the story of the bank raid.
The next night, her son comes running downstairs and shouts, "Mummy, Mummy!" she replies, "Have you had a pee and passed out a bullet?" the son replies, "No I was having a wank and I've just shot the dog!"

Dad was sitting at the breakfast table with his two sons,
Dad to 1st son, "what do you want for breakfast?"
1st son. "I'll have fucking cornflakes"
Dad hits him round the back of the head for swearing.
Dad to 2nd son, "what do you want for breakfast?"
2nd son. "I'm not having fucking cornflakes"

A guy goes into a bar shaking, "Double whiskey please", knocks it back and orders again, 8 times. The barman is a bit concerned, "Something wrong mate?" he asks, "Yes, how high is the average penguin?" The barman replies "about 2 ft", the guy says, "Shit, I must have run over a nun!"

A young boy is sat on a bench in the park eating his eighth bar of chocolate. An old man sitting nearby turns and says, "Don't you know they are all bad for you, make you fat, rot your teeth and give you acne?" The little boy replies, "My granddad was 107 when he died." The old man asks, "Did he eat a lot of chocolate?" The young boy replies, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

At a large hotel in London they are hosting a chess tournament. All the players arrive and are talking in the foyer.
"I beat Karpov Easy", "Last week I won 12 games in a row, no sweat", I am the greatest chess player ever" were some of the comments overheard.

The hotel manager arrives and kicks them all out. The doorman is puzzled and asks the manager why? The manager replies, "I cant stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

Three dwarfs go to London to see Norris McWorter (Guinness book of Records)
1st Dwarf. "I've got the smallest feet in the world", confirmed, he has.
2nd Dwarf. "I've got the smallest hands in the world", confirmed, he has.
3rd Dwarf. "Went in asking if he had the smallest penis in the world, he came out looking very disappointed saying, "WHO THE HELL IS MARK EDWARDS IN GRAN CANARIA?".

Two lesbians in a bath, one says, "where's the soap," the other says, "Yes it does, doesn't it?"