There is an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympic games, but are turned away.
They go away and think of ideas of how to get in.
The Scotsman goes to the gate with a telegraph pole and says, "Scotland - javelin" and is let in.
The Englishman goes to the gate with a bin lid and says, "England - discus" and is let in.
The Irishman goes to the gate with a roll of barbed wire and says, "Ireland - fencing".

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American find a genies lamp and made wishes,
The American wished to win the lottery - no problem.
The Frenchman wished for a wall around France so that no immigrants could get in or out - no problem.
The Englishman asked, "What did the French bloke ask for?" when he was told, the Englishman replied, "Fill it with water".

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all working on a building site high up on the roof. They're all fed up with their boring packed lunches and at lunchtime the Englishman says, "If I get cheese sandwiches tomorrow I'm going to chuck myself of this roof". The Scotsman says that if he gets ham again the next day, he'll go with him, and the Irishman says the same about his tuna sandwiches.
The following day they all have the same fillings and so they all jump. When the police talk to the men's wives, the Englishman's wife says, "I don't understand it, we were so happy together", and the Scotsman's wife says the same, "I don't understand either" says the Irish woman, "My husband always makes his own packed lunch!"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
Englishman. "When I make love to my wife, I kiss her neck and she lifts one foot off the ground"
Irishman. "When I make love to my wife, I kiss her breasts and she lifts three feet off the ground"
Scotsman. "That's nothing, when I make love to my wife, I get up and wipe my cock on the curtains and she goes through the roof"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
Englishman. "My wife has just spent £50 on books and she can't even read!"
Irishman. "Well, my wife spent £75 on booze and she doesn't even drink!"
Scotsman. "Well, my wife is going on holiday, and has just spent £100 on condoms and she hasn't even got a dick!"

An Englishman, Scotsman and a Pakistani go to the barbers
Englishman: "Give me a telly"
Barber: A Telly, sir?"
Englishman: Telly Savalas, bald, chop the lot off"
Barber: "OK sir, that will be £3
Scotsman: "I'll have a Telly too, please.
Barber: "Very well sir, that will be £3 please
Pakistani: "I too, will have a Telly, please.
Barber: "Right you are sir, that will be £9 please
Pakistani: "£9 but they only paid £3
Barber: "Yes sir, but yours is a colour telly

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman want to go to a Christmas party, but have to take something to do with Christmas.
The Englishman takes tinsel, the Scotsman takes holly, and the Irishman takes knickers.
The doorman says, "They ain't got nothin' to do with Christmas!" the Irishman says, "Yes they do, they're Carols!"

An Englishman, an American and an Arab are talking in the pub.
Englishman: "I've got 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team"
American: "I've got 15 kids, one more and I'll have an American football team"
Arab: "I've got 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a German went up in a hot air balloon, to represent their countries, the Englishman dropped a flag and pole, the Irishman dropped an axe and the German dropped a bomb.
The Englishman went home to find his son crying, "What's the matter son?" "Someone dropped a flagpole, and it killed my mum"
The Irishman went home to find his son crying, "What's the matter son?" "Someone dropped an axe, and it chopped off my mums head"
The German went home to find his son laughing, "What's the matter son?" "I farted and the house blew up!"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were lifted from a sinking boat by a helicopter, they were hanging on to the skids of a helicopter, the pilot said, "We are too heavy, one of you will have to jump."
Scotsman: "I can't, I'm too important in my country."
Irishman: "I can't, I'm needed in my country."
Englishman: "OK then I will jump!"
The Irishman is so impressed he claps his hands, and saves the other two.

A Pakistani was in Leeds, a man stopped him and said, "is there a B and Q in Leeds?" the Pakistani replies, "No just two Es, an L, a D and an S"

Good news and bad news
Bad news: The Martians have landed
Good news: They eat pakis and piss petrol

Q. What do you call a Spanish woman with one tooth?
A. Juanita (Pronounced won-eater)

Q. What do you call a China man eating his meal with one chopstick?
A. Fucking clever

Q. What do Mexicans put under their carpets?
A. Underlay, Underlay.

Q. How do you stop a Pakistani from spitting?
A. Turn the oven down

Q. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave?
A. Ping

Q. What do you call a Pakistani lesbian
A. Mingeater

Q. What do you call a Pakistani between two houses?
A. Ali

Q. What do you call a good looking Pakistani?
A. Azif

Q. What do you call a Pakistani drug dealer?
A. Have A Dabathis.

Q. What do you call a Pakistani without a corner shop?
A. Doctor

Q. What's the difference between a Pakistani and a trout?
A. One's brown, with big eyes and smells, the other one's a fish

Q. What doe you call a Pakistani carpenter
A. Amed A Shed.

Q. What do you call a Pakistani at university?
A. The Janitor.

Q. What do you call two gay Pakistanis?
A. Ram It and Jam It

Q. What do you call a Pakistani coming out of a disco?
A. Bin Dan Singh

Q. What do you call a Pakistani with one leg?
A. Balan Singh

Q. What do you call two Pakistanis floating down the river in a sleeping bag
A. The Drifters.

Q. What do you call a Pakistani in a fire
A. Singit.

Q. What do you call a Pakistani police grass?
A. Wazzini!

Q. What do you call a Pakistani peeping tom?
A. Mustaffa Gander

Q. What do you call a Russian with three balls?
A. Hujanic Abollocov.

Q. What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?
A. Amall Shookup.

Q. What does a Spanish prostitute do?
A. Never let a dago bye

Q. What do you call a Russian prostitute?
A. Get Onybackybitch

Q. Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
A. They found it dead in a brick.

Q. What do you get if there is a Paki on the moon?
A. A problem

Q. What do you get if you cross two Paki's on the moon?
A. A bigger problem

Q. What do you get if all the worlds Paki's were on the moon?
A. Problem solved

Q. What do you call an upset Pakki?
A. Ewin Amood

Q. What do you call a Biafran with Dr Martins on?
A. A golf club.

Q. Why are there so many Chinese in Harrow?
A. Because when they arrive at the airport, they say, "Harrow taxi driver".

Q. How do you confuse an Irishman?
A. Put him in a dustbin and tell him to piss in the corner.

Q. What do you do if a blackbird shits on you?
A. Don't take her out again.

Q. What is a Cocoon?
A. A black with a stutter.

Q. What do you call a lesbian Asian?
A. Mingeater.

Q. Why is English beer like making love in a canoe?
A. Because its fucking close to water.

Q. How do you grow your own dope?
A. Plant a Paddy.

Q. What do you call two Chinese paedophile brothers?
A. Fuk M Yung and Po Kum Yung

Q. What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
A. He fell down the sink

Q. What's Chinese for 69?
A. Tu Can Chu

Q. What do you call a disabled Chinese prostitute?
A. Cash and Carry

Q. Did you hear about the Irish paper shop?
A. It blew away.

Q. What do you call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag floating down a river
A. A Drifter

Q. Why do Australians cal their beer XXXX?
A. Because they can't spell beer.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job

Q. Why was the Miss World contest held up for ½ hour?
A. Because they couldn't get Miss Ethiopia out of the canteen.

Q. What do you call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag
A. A Twix

Q. Why do Ethiopian women give the best blow jobs?
A. You know they'll always swallow.

Q. What's the difference between the French and a piece of toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. What's 2 foot long and wrapped around a cunt?
A. A Turban

Q. What do you call an Indian karaoke singer?
A. Gempta Singh

Q. Have you heard about the new Irish rapper?
A. He's called Duh Paddy!

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

Q. What do you call a Paki who's had a bath?
A. Asif.

Q. What do you call a paki who's short changed you in a shop?
A. Bastard!

Q. What's black and gets stuck between elephants toes?
A. Slow Indians.

Q. What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his arse!

Q. Do you know the name of the Spaniard who owns the nudist colony?
A. Senor Willy

Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs?
A. Dragon lips

Q. What doe you say to a black man in a suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.

Q. Why is seamen white and urine yellow?
A. So the Irish can tell if they are coming or going

Q. What have Irishmen and a submarine full of men got in common?
A. Thick seamen

Q. How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A. Knock on the door.

Q. Who said, "What the fuck was that?"
A. The mayor of Hiroshima.

Q. Why did the Irishman keep an empty milk bottle in his fridge?
A. In case anyone wanted black coffee.

Q. How can you tell a German aeroplane?
A. It's the one with hair under the wings.

Q. What's the German word for bra?
A. 'Stopemfromfloppen'

Q. Why are Germans buried 30 ft deep?
A. Because deep down they are nice people.

Q. What was the name of the first Zulu shot at Rourkes Drift?
A. Will. They were ordered to shoot at will.

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to turn the room around.

Q. What do you call a Spaniard with no legs?
A. Gracias

Q. Why do they put a shamrock on the tail of Air Lingus planes?
A. So the pilot knows which end to get in

Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A. They always go deep into the forest, they shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot!

Three Chinese gentlemen at the pearly gates.
God says, "You have to lift a big rock before you can come in."
The first one lifts a big rock, and is allowed straight in
The second one lifts a big rock, and is allowed straight in
The third one can't lift the big rock,
God says, "You are the weakest Chink, Goodbye!"

Paddy and Murphy are walking down a street in Belfast.
Paddy, "What would you do if a bird shit on your head?"
Murphy, "I wouldn't go out with her again".

Have you read the newspapers today?
A helicopter crashed in an Irish graveyard yesterday, the emergency services have recovered 826 dead bodies

Did you hears about the Irish SAS? They broke into Chester Zoo, shot all the gorillas, and rescued all the ostriches.

An Indian chief was approached by his 3 sons one day, wanting to know how he had chosen their names. The chief turned to his eldest son and said, " you are called Brave Eagle Soaring because when I looked to the sky as you were born that's the first thing saw. "Me next, me next", interrupted the youngest son. Ignoring him the chief turned to his middle son and said, "You are called Swift Deer Running because as I looked out of our wigwam as you were born, that's the first thing I saw. "My go, my go, father", wailed his youngest son. Sighing the chief turned to him and said, "OK two dogs shagging…."

An Irishman and a Welshman are in a field when they see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Welshman goes over to the sheep, shags it and turns to the Irishman and says, "It's your turn now", "OK", replies the Irishman and sticks his head through the fence and pulls his trousers down.

Paddy goes into a shop, sees an item on a shelf and asks the shopkeeper what it is. "It's a flask", replies the shopkeeper, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold". "OK", says Paddy, "I'll take one". At work the next day Murphy asks Paddy what it is, "It's my new flask", replies Paddy proudly. "What's it for?", asks Murphy, "Well," his friend says,, "it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". "Well what have you got in it", asks Murphy. "A cup of tea and a choc ice", Paddy replies!

An Irishman wanted to boost up his sex life, so he bought some Viagra and some Andrews salts. He didn't know if he was coming or going.

Irishman walks into a builder's merchant.
Irishman. "Can I have 25,000 house bricks and two square feet of steel mesh?"
Assistant. "What do you want all those bricks for?"
Irishman. "I'm building a barbecue".
Assistant. "You don't need all those bricks to build a barbecue".
Irishman. "I do, I live on the 18th floor".

A hillbilly visited his son about a week after the boy got married. "Well son," he said, "How do you like married life?"
"Ain't married no more, Pa," the boy answered, "I killed her on our wedding night. I shot her dead."
"Why in hell did you do that?" the old man asked
"Well daddy, I found out she was a virgin, and I figured, if she wasn't good enough for her own family, she wasn't good enough for ours."

Two Irishmen walk into a bar and start eating their sandwiches. The landlord says, "You can't eat your own food in here." So the two paddies swap sandwiches

A black man and a white man were standing at the urinals having a wee. Both have the letters W Y on their dick, the black man says, "When you get an erection, what does yours say?" He replies, "WENDY, what does yours say?" he replies, "WELCOME TO BARBADOS, HAVE A NICE DAY"

Paddy and Murphy were in an open cockpit plane. Paddy says, "If we fly upside down will we fall out?" Murphy replies, "Don't be daft, we'll still be mates!"

Paddy put Viagra in his eyes to make him look hard!!!

Two Irish guys win £10 million each on the lottery. They lead separate lives. Ten years later they meet up. First paddy says to the second, "What did you do with your £10 million?" "Oh," he says, "fast cars, clothes, women, what did you do with yours?"
"Oh I bought a house, a big house, 3 stories, I had prostitutes on the bottom, paedophiles on the second and homosexuals on the third. It was hard to start off with because there was only me, the wife and kids living there!

Two Irish queers, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

Two Scottish queers, Ben Doon and Phil McCavity

Two Irishmen in a canoe. Murphy says, "If this turns over will we fall out?" "No" replies Paddy, "We'll still talk to each other."

A Chinese man walks into a record store and asks the assistant, "Have you got Itchy Fanny?" She looks aghast and says, "Certainly not!" The china man says, "No, no, you ,no understand, have you got a record by Cliff Richard, it goes 'Itchy Fanny how we don't talk anymore"

Irishman goes on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'. Chris Tarrant asks him his name, he replies, "I'll ask the audience", Chris asks, "Where do you live?" Irishman says, I'll phone a friend".

A coloured gentleman is found dead in a cement mixer on a building site. The CID go to investigate. They speak to the foreman and ask if he knows anything about the gent. "No" says the foreman, "but if you go and speak to those two Irishmen over there, they might know something". So they go and speak to the Irishmen. "Did you know anything about the spade?". "no", says one of the Irishmen. Then the other pipes up, "Actually I know he had two arseholes". "How did you know that" asked the coppers. "Well, after work, we used to go with him for a drink, and the barman always used to say "here comes the nigger with the two arseholes."

A young couple had a baby, the midwife comes in and says, "I have good news and bad news.
The wife says, "What's the bad news?
The midwife says, "Your baby had been born a Pakki
Wife says, "What's the fucking good news?"
Midwife says, "Don't worry, it died!"

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Chris. "Paddy, this question is for £36,000, and you can still call a friend, now who is the footballer pictured on the screen?"
Paddy. "I'm not sure if it's Gary or Phil Neville, can I call my friend Seamus?"
Chris. "Yes you can (calls number) Seamus, this is Chris Tarrant, I have Paddy here with me. Now, he already has £18,000, and if you help him answer this question correctly he'll have £36,000"
Paddy. " Seamus, would you look at the picture on the screen and tell me, is it Gary or Phil Neville?"
Chris. "It's Gary, no, no, it's Phil, definitely Phil
Paddy. " It's Phil Neville, Chris."
Chris. "Are you sure Paddy?"
Paddy. "Yes, Chris, absolutely"
Chris. "So you say, for £36,000, that the picture on the screen, of a famous footballer, is Phil Neville?"
Paddy. "Yes, Chris, it's Phil
Chris. "I'm sorry Paddy, you had £18,000, you're incorrect and you're back down to £1,000"
Paddy. "So it was Gary then?"
Chris. "No Paddy, it was Andy Cole."

A boy asked his mum, "Am I a Jew or a blacky?" she said, "You're a blacky son, born and bred like me." He then asked his father the same question, he replied, ", "You're a Jew, son, born and bred like me, why do you ask?" "Well the lad next door is selling his bike for £10 and I don't know whether to knock him down to £8 or punch the bastard!"

A guy wakes up in his bed one morning with a stinking hangover. He looks to his left and a stunning blonde is lying there, she sees him, jumps on him and screws him senseless. She then goes to the toilet. So he gets up to check his wallet, thinking he has been robbed. To his surprise his wallet is full of £50 notes. He wonders what the hells going on, so he takes a look outside the bedroom window, he sees that the Klu Klux Klan are outside. With that a genie appears.
Genie. "Do you remember anything about last night?"
Guy. "No"
Genie. "Well last night you found a lamp, rubbed it, I appeared and granted you three wishes:
Your 1st wish, you asked for a beautiful blonde in your bed.
Your 2nd wish, you asked for a wallet full of money.
Your 3rd wish, you asked to be hung like a black man.
So what's your problem?

A Jewish lottery winner was asked to make a short speech after collecting his cheque. He started of by thanking Camelot, and John Major for bringing in the lottery, and Adolf Hitler.
Asked why Adolf Hitler, he rolled up his sleeve and said, "I knew those numbers would come in one day!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a blow up doll? He punctured it so it would go down on him.

Three foxes, English, Irish, and Scottish, were playing in the woods when they all got trapped in snares. "Shit" said the English fox, when the hunter comes back he'll kill us, so I'm going to chew my leg off and free myself, I'd rather have 3 legs than die." So he chews his leg off and says to the others, "come on, hurry up and free yourselves" The Scottish fox chews his leg off and hobbles over to wait for the Irish fox. "Oh shit" says the Irish fox, "I give up", "why?" ask the other two, "you'll be killed", "so what?" says the Irish fox, "I've chewed off three legs and I'm still stuck!"

A man on holiday in Spain goes into a restaurant and orders the house special. The meal is absolutely delicious, so he asks the waiter what it is. "The ball are a bulls testicles", says the waiter, "cooked in a special sauce after the animal has died at the local bull fight." The man returns to Spain the next year on his holidays and goes to the restaurant to order the fantastic dish again. After he's eaten he asks the waiter why the balls are so small this time. "Well" says the waiter, "sometimes the bull wins

A Scotsman dropped a 50p and was so desperate to retrieve it that as he bent down it hit him on the back of the head.

An Englishman goes to Hong Kong and meets a native girl, who he brings home and marries. One night in bed he says, "What about a 69'er/" she replies, "If you think I'm getting my wok out at this time of night, you can forget it!"

Mick and Pat are digging on a building site when they unearth a bomb. "What shall we do with it pat?" asks Mick, "We'll put it in the wheelbarrow and take it to the foreman later." Says pat. A few hours later they dig up another bomb, which they put with the first. As they are wheeling their finds to the foreman's office at the end of the day, the second bomb starts to tick, "What shall we do if that bomb blows up?" asks a worried Mick, "well" replies Pat, "I think we'll tell him we only found the one!"

Paddy and Murphy were working on a building site. Paddy was digging a trench, which suddenly caved in and buried him up to the neck, he shouted to Murphy for help. Murphy said, "I'll get you a JCB", Paddy replied, "Fuck the medals, just get me out of here!"

A coloured gentleman runs into the doctors singing and dancing.
Doctor: "Have you taken anything?"
Coloured: "Yes, I've had a few ecstasy tablets and now I can't stop running around"
Doctor: "Here take some of these tablets"
Five minutes later the man is calm and sitting down
Coloured: "Those were good tablets, what were they?"
Doctor: "DAZ tablets, they stop coloureds from running

Paddy buys a toupee, the assistant says, "That'll be £30 plus tax." Paddy says, "I'll have it without the tacks, I'll use glue instead!"

Big game hunter. "Boy, go to that river and get some water"
Porter. "Boss, there's crocodiles in dat der river!"
Big game hunter. "Boy, them crocodiles are probably twice as afraid of you as you are of them!"
Porter. "Boss, if them crocodiles is only half as scared of me as I am of them then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A corporal says to his troop, "I'll pay £5 for each Zulu you shoot" Later that night Paddy says to Murphy, "Do you remember what the corporal said we'd get for each Zulu we shoot?" "Yes," replies Murphy, "£5." "Well don't wake up the rest of the troop, there's about 5000 Zulu's coming over that hill. We'll make a fortune!"

A man playing golf drove the ball into his neighbour's garden. He went to ask his Japanese neighbour for the ball the Jap said, "Sorry, old Japanese custom say possession nine tenths of law." The man replied, "Well mate, an old English custom is that we take it in turns to kick each other in the bollocks, me first, and the last man standing gets to keep the ball". "OK says the Jap, so the Englishman kicks him in the balls as hard as he can and says, "You can keep the ball mate!"

A rabbit hopping through the jungle bumps into another animal. The rabbit say "Sorry mate I couldn't see you, I'm blind. The other animal (a skunk) says, "That’s funny so am I, lets feel each other and see if we can guess what we are, I'll go first." "You've got big floppy ears and big teeth, you must be a rabbit." OK," says the rabbit, "You’ve got long greasy hair and you absolutely stunk, you must be a Pakki."

Riley said to Delaney, "How long has Murphy been dead?"
Delaney said, "Well, if he'd lived until Saturday, he would have been dead six weeks

Murphy meets an American in London.
Yank, "what's the quickest way to Buckingham Palace?"
Murphy, "Are you walking or driving?"
Yank, "I'm driving"
Murphy, "That's the quickest way"

Paddy and Mick go into a bar and Mick starts doing a crossword. He says, "Paddy, how do you spell colour?" "Which colour?" asks Paddy

Woman: I'm doing a world wide survey on which nationalities make the best lovers
Man: "Who is the best"
Woman: "Up until now we've found Red Indians and Jews make the best lovers. By the way what's your name?"
Man: "Oh it's Tonto Bernstein"